Birthday Boy

You thought you could have your cake and eat it too

I stared at my phone in disbelief.

Dates.

Pictures.

Context.

Proof.

Evidence.

I felt like I found someone’s diary. In a way…I kind of did.

Jake thought he could float out of my life without an explanation. Hoping I’d forget the mental tilt a whirl he put me through.

He thought I’d just forget about him and move on with my life. Well…until I started dating someone else or it didn’t work out with his girlfriend. He was hoping I’d be a good little girl and stay on the shelf until he was ready to play with me again.

He was hoping he could sneak away in the middle of the night and not get caught.

Intuition is beautiful on it’s own but when it’s paired with tangible “evidence.”

Oof.

Even when it hurts…it feels good to have context for disorienting experiences.

The circuits started firing off as I sewed the information together.

This feeling could best be described as finding the last puzzle piece to a puzzle you’ve been working on for months. If you stare at it for too long then the picture becomes more and more foggy. But when you find that last missing piece then suddenly you see clear as day. A little too clearly.

Years of confusion and mental despair had been solved in a matter of seconds.

Instagram, man. The app that will be the demise for lying men and the vindication for women who deserve more.

He had a girlfriend the entire time I was seeing him.

I was entering a freeze response while the last bit of pee dripped from my urethra.

Thank god therapy was in 15 minutes.

Oh shit…therapy was in 15 minutes. Fuck talking about my parents today. I had more important topics to cover with Dee.

I started doing quick mental calculations as I paired the pictures to the dates I saw him and/or was texting him. Each passing second a new connection had been made.

Oh…my…god.

OH….my GOD.

This was bad.

Don’t get me wrong…I’ve been duped by sinister men before. My entire life I’ve had to be a few steps ahead of men to prepare for their schemes.

Their abuse, manipulation, and torment.

Jake wasn’t taking the award for Most Blindsided a man had made me…but I’ll give him top 5.

Light began to shine in places that were once nebulous confusion.

The way he would fuck me and discard me.

Always blaming his avoidance and lack of communication on his “mental health.” As if no one else suffered from mental health issues but him.

His mental health always centered.

His pleasure always centered.

When I gave him emotional labor and pity when he wrecked his car twice. (Karma, are you in the room with us?)

He had a girlfriend.

When he text me “I wish we were in the mountains listening to Taylor Swift together.”

Girlfriend.

When he wouldn’t answer my call “because work was soooooo busy.”

It was because he was ADOPTING A LITERAL CAT WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND.

When he would send me videos of himself twirling around in his ice skates.

His girlfriend was there.