Bisexuality goes beyond who we're dating
Happy pride month to ALL of the LGBTQIA+ community <3
People often understand bisexuality solely through the context of who we’re dating or currently having sex with.
This surface based understanding of someone is a limiting way in understanding a queer person’s lived experience.
Women are not the only bisexual people even though I feel like I see the most rhetoric surrounding “bisexual women with boyfriends.”
*eye roll*
Non binary people can be bisexual.
Trans people can be bisexual.
Men can be bisexual.
Hell…I’m pretty sure both of my cats are bisexual.
Caleb Hearon is one of my favorite comedians on the internet but his bit about “bisexual girls with a boyfriend” with Brittany Broski rubbed me the wrong way.
It’s a funny bit because I fkn love Caleb…but I think it adds to a harmful narrative we hear too often.
When I was in my last wlw relationship for 3 years I was often assumed as a lesbian because of my relationship status. Even people in my life who knew I was bisexual would talk about my relationship as a “lesbian relationship.”
I love lesbians AND I’m not one of them.
It took decades of my life to learn what bisexuality was and I’m still bisexual no matter my relationship status. My bisexuality didn’t leave my body because I was sharing a life with a lesbian.
YES BISEXUAL WOMEN DATE OTHER WOMEN TOO OKAY!!!!!
“Bisexual women with boyfriends have privilege and they need to recognize that.”
Absolutely. 1000%.
There’s a safety that’s awarded if I’m walking down the street with a man versus holding hands with a woman.
We should always take into consideration the privileges each of us hold even within the LGBTQIA+ community.
Cisgender people hold privilege compared to the transgender community.
Cisgender, queer men hold gender privilege compared to cisgender women.
White, queer people have immense privilege compared to QTBIPOC.
Able bodied, queer people have privilege compared to LGBTQIA+ individuals with disabilities.
People in “straight passing” relationships carry privilege compared to queer people who are in visibly queer connections.
The need to push bisexual people out of queer circles when they aren’t dating people “queer enough”….is truly the least of our issues as a community.
“Oh there’s another bisexual girl with her boyfriend at pride.”
This perpetuates a harmful narrative that we can tell someone’s gender and sexuality by solely looking at them.
We literally tell straight people to NOT assume people’s gender or sexuality. Yet we assume a lotttttttt about bisexual people and their relationships.
One of the most important aspects of a human’s life story is their history. It adds context into who they are currently.
As a trauma therapist context is one of the most important pieces when considering someone’s current experience. People often forget to dig beyond someone’s dating life.
We forget a bisexual person was once a confused teenager as well.
We forget this person was a queer kid who lacked representation and language to describe their feelings.
We forget this person had to operate in a heteronormative society as well.
We forget this bisexual person has a sexual and dating history that we know nothing about.
We forget that bisexuality doesn’t disappear the second someone gets into a relationship.
Here are a few statistics about bisexual people:
Bisexual women are at a higher risk of intimate partner violence compared to their straight and lesbian counterparts.
Bisexual people are at increased risk of anxiety and depression compared to their lesbian and gay counterparts.
Bisexual people are more likely to experience suicidal ideation and suicide attempts compared to straight people, lesbians, and gay people.
Bisexual people are less likely to receive social support because of the spectrum of our sexuality
When we solely focus on who a bisexual person is dating we lose an opportunity to understand their queer experience.
I grew up as a queer person in conservative, rural Indiana. I was forced into Christianity and lived in a town where queer people were demonized. I’ve kissed girls for as long as I can remember and didn’t realize that was “bad” until I started going to church.
I went to an extremely homophobic high school where same gender couples weren’t allowed to attend dances together.
I often heard the f slur and people calling each other “gay” as an insult.
I had to sit in sermons hearing how people were “delivered from homosexual tendencies.”
I developed my own internalized homophobia because of this. This is exactly why I suppressed who I was until my early 20s.
My queerness was inherent and natural to me from a young age because I followed my heart and listened to my intuition.
God made me queer because god is queer.
There is a very real chance I would’ve been sent to some sort of conversion therapy or been exiled by my community if I came out as a teenager in Indiana.
Therefor it feels so irrelevant to care about who I’m dating in this moment.
My past experiences as a bisexual youth will forever impact me regardless of who I’m with or not with.
This story lives within my bones and energy. The religious trauma I experienced related to disowning my sexuality will always be a part of my story.
It’s also incredibly dense to think just because a bi woman is dating a man that she hasn’t had previous wlw (women loving women) relationships.
Also, no I’m not asking you to validate my relationship to a man because I haven’t dated a man since 2018. My last relationship was with a woman. I mainly date women and non binary people any way. Yet I’m still bisexual and men are still an option for me.
We also know as queer people that the queer experience expands beyond dating.
Queer culture is everything.
Music taste is informed by queerness.
95% of all my friends and community are queer.
The content I consume online and the movies I watch are guided by queerness.
I feel more comfortable and seen in queer spaces….because I’m queer.
Being bisexual is sacred and unfortunately it’s wildly misunderstood.
Here a few quick definitions of what bisexuality actually is:
Bisexuality includes being attracted to trans and non binary people!!
Bisexuality is being attracted to at least one other gender. Some people are bisexual because their attraction is to women and gender fluid people.
Bisexuality is way more than who we’re sleeping with. All my bi friends, including myself, are rarely having sex and single lol. Love you guys but just because we have the word ‘sex’ in our sexuality doesn’t mean we’re out here fucking. If you are bisexual and having frequent sex…I love that for you. Bisexual people are often hyper sexualized.
Bisexuality isn’t a pipeline into being fully gay or lesbian. Though sometimes people label themselves as lesbian/gay and later come out as bi. It’s also common that people label themselves bi and later realize they align more with gay/lesbian identity. This experience can be real while also acknowledging that bisexual people aren’t inherently a pipeline or confused. Bisexuality is a full sexuality.
This pride month I hope we remember each other within the context of queerness.
I hope we dig deeper and beyond who a queer person is dating in that moment.
I hope we remember that we’re stronger together and we need solidarity.
Instead of policing who queer people are dating and sleeping with…let’s fight the fucking bigots who are killing transgender people.
Let’s fight the healthcare systems that are taking away gender affirming care.
I’m so proud of being bisexual.
I’m so proud of being queer.
Happy pride month to us.
I’m leading my first in person writing workshop!
Honoring Bisexual Expression: Therapeutic Writing Workshop @ Petals and Pages in Denver, CO
6-14 @ 5pm MT Get tickets here
I'm 58 and I remember being in law school in the 90's. The queer student group was called the lesbian and gay student association. I asked if bisexuals were welcome, and because they didn't have an official policy, the members voted. They voted no. So grateful things have changed, at least in many spheres. Thanks for a wonderful post!
Aww I loved this so much!!🥹🩷💜💙