I'm more neurodivergent than I thought
Oh no she took another "Do I have autism?" quiz
“Do you think I have the ‘tism? Be honest with me.” I asked my childhood best friend over one of our weekly phone calls.
She giggled…naturally. I could tell she was holding back her authentic reaction to my unprompted question.
“Shouldn’t you be asking yourself that? You’re the therapist! I’m not going to say if you do or don’t.” My best friend was diagnosed with autism as a child and it’s a diagnosis I’ve tried on several times in my own mind. Once again I am the therapist who goes against my own advice because I’m simply just a girl.
AKA I took an online “Do I have autism?” test and now I was following up with my best friends for the final clinical analysis. Who needs a therapist, PCP, or psychologist when I have my girls?
Amelia continued snickering as she followed up on her clinical observation. “….what I will say is that when we were kids you woke me up from a dead sleep and told me I was breathing too loudly.”
We both died laughing. That truly is so me core. Still to this day I will pop off on anyone who makes too much noise. I get overstimulated easily and sometimes it feels like I’m drowning in sensations. It has taken me 29 years to realize that this has been an issue since I was a kid. Sounds have always sent me into the next reality. Like when I was in kindergarten and couldn’t concentrate on my test because the radiator was too loud. I remember feeling as though I was going to die.
I hear everything at the same level. I am so anti-loud spaces that the last dating profile I had, I made sure to specify that my “first date hell” is a loud environment. That should’ve been my first clue.
I literally asked two of my clients this week, kindly, if they could turn down background noise because I couldn’t concentrate on what they were saying.
Once again…it was a fucking radiator. Those will be the death of me I swear to god. Earlier therapist me would’ve powered through but current me knows it would be taking my energy away from my client. Ofc my clients were receptive and understanding. In hindsight I realize I did a great job at modeling to my clients what it looks like to respectfully ask for what you need. Look at me being a fantastic little therapist!!!
Amelia continued entertaining my “Do I have autism?” bit.
She caved. “Okay Morgan. You might have a touch of the tism.”
We continued giggling. I text my other best friend who also couldn’t deny she had the same suspicions.
She text back with a, “Yeah girl I definitely think you’re a little neurospicy.”
I was giggling, but I also felt majorly validated. I wondered what the “thing” was for each of my friends to be like, “Hmmm….Morgan definitely ain’t rocking with the neurotypical posse.”
I’ve known I’m on the spectrum of neurodivergence for a couple of years now. I mostly categorized my neurospiciness through the lens of operating with a C-PTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) brain. I was diagnosed with PTSD in undergrad and while my brain has healed in a lot of ways..I still struggle. Lately I’m realizing that I’ve struggled my whole life in similar ways but have been correlating a lot of my symptoms to young adulthood trauma.
C-PTSD experiences that impact my brain show up as:
Hypervigilance in pretty much all social settings, especially if there are men and/or I’m alone
Intrusive thoughts of past traumas or hypotheticals that feel quite disturbing at times
Nightmares
I’ve come a long way in healing my C-PTSD symptoms through nervous system healing and therapy. I rarely have nightmares and my intrusive thoughts have decreased significantly over the years. Now that my trauma symptoms aren’t so heightened I’m noticing a trend that I still struggle.
I’m hyper sensitive to stimuli!!!!
While I believe that my sensitivities toward my environment definitely exasperated with PTSD…I’ve struggled with stimulation my whole life. I’ve come to terms that this expands beyond my trauma brain.
I’ve also realized recently that I’ve been doing this silly little thing called, masking.
I have sensory processing disorder.
I feel very confident about this unofficial diagnosis. In my defense, I have had doctors express their concern for me as a child for my “sensory issues.” Autism is still in the realm of question but this diagnosis makes a lot of sense for my experiences. For me, SPD is about having trouble processing sensory input.
Specifically I struggle with sound. It was a hard and fast rule in my last relationship that she couldn’t talk while the TV was on. I hear everything at the same level and can easily become overstimulated if there’s multiple input coming at me.
I read something recently that people living with SPD often feel as though they are “living under constant assault” and I couldn’t agree more. I have always felt as though I am quite literally fighting for my life when there are multiple noises present. My sensitivities are even more heightened if I’m emotionally drained or not doing hot mentally.
A year ago I was in a toxic relationship and I could barely handle being in a car with multiple people while music was playing. I knew that if my mental health was in a better place this could be more sustainable.
The best way I can describe the experience is someone forcing you down while blaring the loudest music directly in your ear. That would obviously be hard on anyone.
Why do I have SPD?
In my brief research on the development of SPD I discovered that there is a correlation between being born prematurely and having sensory processing disorder.
I was born 6 weeks premature and spent the first few weeks with little to no contact with my mom because I was in an incubator. Stop…it makes me sad too.
The math is definitely mathing why my nervous system is a bit sensy.
I’ve always been a super sensitive kid and my sensitivities were often misunderstood by the world around me. I was a kid who deeply enjoyed solitude but often demonized when I needed alone time. I grew up in very loud, chaotic environment that is sustainable for some but was very hard on me.
I often felt exhausted as a child because rest had a cap. I needed more rest as a developing kid and teen but I often didn’t feel settled. As a child I coped with overwhelm through angry expression. I was often told I was “mean” but really I was super overstimulated and unwell. As a teen I coped with overwhelm by risky behavior and partying to feel more in control. I didn’t feel as overwhelmed when I was kissing boys in cars while drinking Smirnoff ices lol.
I’ve pretty much been overstimulated my whole life and it’s a part of me I’m ready to accept. I have a low threshold and that’s okay.
It has to be okay.
I’m tired of pretending that I’m comfortable with new, loud, stimulating environments. I’m not!!!! It’s hard on me and takes a lot of energy out of me.
I’m tired of pretending that I have more energy than I do. I’m not an energizer bunny and I never have been. I enjoy being in bed by 7:30pm and prioritizing rest because a good nights sleep is what saves me from being irritable and disassociating the next day.
What do I truly want?
I want to live a slow, intentional life with people who also enjoy slowness. I don’t want to attend several social events every week. I don’t want to read tarot at someone’s party with a loud DJ because I can’t focus and drop in.
I’m not extra or dramatic. I’m quite literally fighting for my right for a regulated nervous system in a dysregulating world.
Here are some ways I’m currently caring for myself :
Stepping out of environments as needed
Communicating my needs if I can’t rearrange or control something (“Can you turn that down?”)
I do not over book myself socially. I don’t need to hang out with people every day. As long as I’m doing something with someone once a week then I am good to go.
Preparing myself for new, potentially overstimulating environments. I look up parking and the layout of spaces I’m about to enter. I use my loop earplugs when I remember them.
Yoga yoga yoga!!! I am using the fuck out of a $25 2 weeks of unlimited yoga rn. It’s so good for my nervous system and I immediately feel better.
Float tanks or anything with water is also super soothing to me.
My goal for this recent discovery is to continue validating my experiences while empowering myself to figure out ways to support my sensitivity. Neurodivergence doesn’t equate to helplessness. I believe the more we talk about our experiences…the more accommodating the world around us can become.
Thank you for being here.
My favorite music this week is Orion Sun’s new album.
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Listen to my latest podcast feature:
Breaking Boundaries: Exploring Love Beyond Labels with Morgan O'Neal
Are we the same person minus the fact that I'm not a therapist? (Nervously giggles...) LOL!
One of the best things I've done for myself recently is living a slower and more intentional life. Loved this!