My first love had knuckle tattoos
Storytelling about young love for your valentine's week XOXO
I’d never been in love until I fell in love with Carson.
Sure..I had dated a few guys in middle and high school. I liked people. I crushed on people. I had never been in love though.
I first knew about Carson through mutual friends in high school. He was known as the schools “bad boy.” I’m really setting the scene for a modern day romance aren’t I?
He had long swoopy hair with a silver hoop lip ring. He was fairly tatted and even had a Monster logo tatted on his left wrist? I believe?
Yes, like the energy drink. It’s since been covered.
I was immediately intrigued by him. He was loud and knew how to captivate a room. I’m pretty sure he’s a Virgo but he very much had Leo energy.
I can’t remember how we initially connected but I remember seeing him around high school before he graduated. He took up space and it definitely caught my attention.
We eventually connected through social media and he asked me on a date. Adult men now could never. Why is it that romance was so much more normalized when I was a teenager versus when I’m an adult.
Fuck the Netflix and chill.
Fuck settling into a routine two months into knowing each other.
I need romance!!! I need love letters!!! I need lore!!! I need yearning in this bitch!!!
Any way…
One winter evening Carson picked me up at my house for our very first date. He met my mom and shook her hand with his tattooed fingers peeking through his gloves. My christian mom gulped a little but she gave me the freedom to explore this. I appreciated the trust.
Our first date was at a fine dining, midwest establishment: Red mf’n Lobster. Yes, you heard that correctly and you better put respect on Ms. Red Lobster’s name. Okay?!
I’ve always been a slut for seafood and he knew the coconut shrimp made my knees quake. We love a guy who listens to what we like.
Every person I’ve been in love with has been a foodie just like me.
Foodies with strong father wounds. Like sees like.
I remember giggling and feeling really special on our first date. We took turns taking silly pictures of each other. I really wish I still had the picture I took of him but I can still see it in my minds eye. I’m pretty sure he had a denim vest on with the fancy white napkin hung over his face. We were smitten.
I literally feel like an elderly person on her death bed writing this story right now.
Carson and I had a slow burn type of romance for about 8 months. He delicately and steadily pursued me. We hung out regularly and I knew he really liked me. It was clear that his heart was forming strings to mine. My heart was forming strings back even when I was unaware of it. We went to the movies once as “friends” and he opened my car door and drew a heart on the frosted window. This was before I even kissed the guy. If there were a book titled Lover Boy 101 he for sure would be the author of it.
He quickly became my best friend and I kept him in that category for a while. Even when we both could feel there was more bubbling. I confused him. I confused myself. I wasn’t ready to seriously date him yet, but I also felt jealousy thinking about him with other girls. Classic.
It was easy to fall for him despite his reputation of getting in trouble at school and being a quintessential bad boy. He had charm, rizz, and was so tender with me. I felt safe when I was with him.
Carson graduated high school before me and moved into a house in our hometown with his friend. I still think of those versions of us when I drive by that house. That era of life was one of my favorites. I felt so…free.
I felt so me when I was with him.
One night I went over to his house to hang out. I was overworked and underpaid at the ripe age of 17 so I kindly asked Carson to give me a massage. This was something he did regularly with friends and was known for his magic hands. He was respectful and thoughtfully touched me. Not all physical touch is inherently sexual and I felt safe knowing there was no pressure to progress anything…anywhere.
This definitely was one of the moments I knew I wanted to stop holding back. I wanted to try things for real with him.
It was sweet and innocent. He never pressured me and that was something that drew me closer to him. It’s almost as if cultivating safety with another person’s nervous system is super fucking important.
One thing about Carson is that he never took advantage of the fact I was slightly younger and less experienced in relationships. We didn't start fucking around until I was 18 so let’s clock that right now.
I could feel the panic in his body as he put his hands over my shoulders. I could feel the heat turn up in my own body. He wasn’t just a friend to me. I was starting to accept the fact that I cared for him deeply too.
I was ready to be bold and make a move. I was ready to make my feelings known.
After all..I knew he was just waiting on me to be ready.
I had drunkingly pecked him on the lips before that night, but that didn’t count. It was drunken choices and I was ready to be intentional with him. I wanted to demonstrate he wasn’t just a drunk mistake but someone I wanted to be serious about too.
I was going to ask him to kiss me before I left.
Butterflies jumped and twirled around in my stomach.
I was about to leave his house when I looked at him dead in the eye and asked, “So are you going to kiss me?”
His jaw dropped. I had caught him completely off guard.
He froze.
You could’ve heard a pen drop as he was staring at me through the doorway.
I waited….
He kept staring. He thought I was teasing him.
He didn’t respond quickly enough and I started to feel vulnerable. I turned around and walked to my car. I heard him say “wait,” but I couldn’t turn around. My nerves were too high and his 5 second window had expired. I was too nervous to walk back up those stairs.
I playfully waved and said bye to him. He stood there dumbfounded as if this scene had been a dream he played in his mind 1000 times before. I could feel both of our heart rates accelerate as I drove away. Even though we didn’t kiss…I was giddy.
He text me immediately and told me he thought I was fucking with him hahaha. Clearly smh.
I continued to accidentally play the cat and mouse game with him. Looking back I was low key being avoidant as fuck with him. I’m not sure. We both were fucking kids. I realize now that I was emulating emotional unavailability with someone who was super ready to be emotional with me.
One night he had a small house party while I was at friend’s house down the street. We were texting and I told him I felt sad I wasn’t invited. I think he expressed something about trying to protect his feelings due to me not wanting to take our connection more seriously. Fair. The details are a little blurry. Yet there are moments during this time that I can recall clear as day.
In true romance fashion…he left his own party and came to see me. I met him outside with my heart swirling around. I was so confused but I knew it was now or never.
We talked about our feelings and then…we kissed.
I immediately knew I was in love with him.
God…he was such a good kisser too. He was sensual and in tune with me.
Fuck…
I loved this guy.
It was a slow burn but the physical piece solidified my feelings for him. I think I was in love with him before the kiss but it’s like the kiss was the final puzzle piece.
I fell in love with his humor.
His creativity. His sweetness. His angst. His silliness. Our playfulness together.
It was game the fuck over when he put his mouth on mine.
We became official that night. He slept with me on my friend’s floor and we kept holding each other…smiling.
I was on cloud 9.
Our relationship always felt so carefree and fun. We went to warped tours, kayaked, went to amusement parks, and even went camping a few times. I would go to his shows and watch him play. He would go to my show choir events. It felt so easy.
He even took me to see Miley Cyrus in Kentucky, who we both adored.
He made me feel confident and I never felt in competition with other girls. I never felt jealous or worried that he was thinking about anyone but me.
He wrote me songs.
Sent me poems.
He always replied. Always answered. We planned for the future.
He planned sweet dates and played music for me.
I gifted him cheesy gifts like framed pictures of us and a guitar pick that said “I pick you” from Etsy.
I hung out with him and his friends. He hung out with mine.
We were the center of each other’s universes.
I thought we would be together forever. I thought I would marry this guy. Truly.
He was a safe space for me to truly explore my sexuality. Carson was the first person I had true intimate, soulful sex with. Anything before him didn’t feel quite right.
He was safe, comforting, and non judgmental. I realized that sex didn’t have to be boring or shameful. He truly was my sexual awakening. This was revolutionary for a girl who grew up thinking sexual desire was synonymous with burning in hell.
Our love story was beautiful and eventually became tragic.
I went to college and shit was good…until it wasn’t.
Our connection eventually became messy….tumultuous…and gut wrenching.
But for right now…I’m telling you about the beautiful part. The part that cracked me open and made me a certified lover girl.
In this piece…we were just two kids falling in love. (S/O Mayday Parade)
So let’s just stay right here together…in the sweet part.
Work with me:
Become a therapy client- Colorado residents only
Book a psychic rose reading: recorded and live options available here
Growing Slowly Writing Circle: February 14th, 2025 @ 4pm MT/ 6pm EST
Omg can't wait to read your stuff. Bookmarked