Lessons learned from a friendship ending
I’d be lying to myself if I said I was surprised about recently ending a friendship. Intuitively I’ve been in a connection a year past the expiration date. This unfortunately has been a pattern of mine since I was a child.
I’m someone who has always given connections multiple chances…to a fault. As a scorpio rising my cut off game is strong as fuck but only after I’ve exhausted every possible route.
Just when I think I learn the lesson of trusting my intuition with immediacy; I realize I’m in another lesson of how I didn’t trust my intuition with immediacy.
I can’t say I’m surprised I’m in another death/rebirth cycle as I continue moving through my saturn return.
I feel disappointed both in the situation and even myself.
“Why didn’t you end the friendship when you noticed the first sign of disrespect?”
“Why did you put someone else’s pain and life above your own pain?”
This is a preview of the harsh narrative that’s been swirling around in a multitude of other thoughts.
I’m also intertwining these narratives with compassion and positive self talk.
“I’m proud of you for finally speaking up.”
“Other people’s traumas are not yours to carry. You have your own pain to nurture.”
“You’re doing the work and going to therapy weekly. Other people are capable of that work as well.”
“It’s okay to walk away. You’ve done it before and you will probably do it again.”
I’m not ready to talk about the intricacies of why the connection ended because it doesn’t feel important to share right now.
I do want to share what I’ve learned about myself as I navigate another ending…
My mental health is my responsibility. Their mental health is theirs. Friendships are meant to be interdependent while both of us do individual inner work. It’s healthy to expect other people to care for themselves because it develops trust in the connection. There’s a world in which we can be there for each other and also say “it’s not on me to fix your life.”
Emotional safety is a non negotiable. I need to feel safe to express myself and bring up difficult conversations without punishment. If I can’t say “I love you and this hurts me” without being iced out……it’s not for me. I am willing to give my relationships space to be rocky. However, I will not be in connections that only function when I’m silent. That experience feels emotionally manipulative and scary. I’ve worked diligently to unlearn my own emotional immaturity while distancing myself from people who emotionally torment me. I won’t willfully stay in a connection where silence is used as a weapon.
Friendships are not hierarchal and fuck that noise if you view romantic relationships above friendships. If you wouldn’t do it to a partner then you shouldn’t do it to a friend. It’s a red flag if a friend would travel to the ends of the earth for a romantic interest but can’t show up in a similar way for friendship. It’s giving heteronormative and I don’t align with that.
Having spiritually aligned connections is super important to me. No, I don’t need someone to believe in the same things or practice identically to me. The people closest to me all have a variety of spiritual frameworks and I admire that!!! However, I can’t relate to people who think we are on earth to eat, sleep, work, and then die. I require connections that find the deeper purpose in our every day experiences. I like my friendships like I like my therapeutic approach….existential.
Compassion fatigue is a sign that I’m doing someone’s work for them. I’m a double water sign through and through. I will feel my people’s feelings and be in the emotional depths with them. My compassion will eventually run out if there is not individual accountability though. I perform emotional labor for my work alongside hold space for several people in my life. I’m also generally hanging on by a thread most days lol. I can’t be in connections with people who aren’t watering their own plants. No amount of water from someone else will hydrate a garden someone is not watering themselves.
I can’t be in connections where men are centered and controlling our lives. Listen….I’ve been there!!!!! I can get so frustrated by this behavior because I see a past version of myself in it. It wasn’t long ago that mediocre loser men were controlling my emotional state too. I’ve been that girl for most of my 20s and I’ve worked diligently to unlearn my addiction to unrequited love from men who don’t care if I live or die. I’m not going to approach my 30s with the same mindset I had when I was 23. I’ve spent my life watching abusive men get catered to while women/girls were forced to eat shit. It’s not healthy for me to partake in or watch. I’m not asking for perfection but I do require people who are ready to take these men off a pedestal. It’s also on me to disengage with people who aren’t ready for this tough work.
I want friendships that are equitable in all forms of the word. If we aren’t working together to see each other in our respective states….then we’re really just pen pals. This is another aspect of friendship that demonstrates emotional safety for me.
I want to work on leaving connections when I feel the intuitive nudge the first time. I want to focus less on how my absence impacts them and instead how the connection is currently impacting me.
No one has to be an evil, horrible human for a connection to no longer feel supportive. We are all on different paths.
I’m not ashamed I enjoy being in bed by 8pm and living a slow life. I’m tired of being in connections that want me to prove I’m not boring because I take care of myself. Listen…I can hang with the best of them but only if the energy is right and I’m with people I trust.
I shouldn’t feel resentful and annoyed with a connection on the daily. In fact…that’s a really big indicator that something is not aligned with my soul anymore. If I feel resistance, frustration, or the need to vent about someone in therapy multiple weeks in a row….that’s a sign.
Overall..I want to take more radical accountability for my health and happiness. I want to continue to honor other people’s experiences without putting them above my own experience.
Here’s a mantra if you’ve experienced a relational ending recently:
I deserve to feel safe in connections even when the relationship feels confronting.
I am worthy of safe conflict.
I can trust myself to do what is best for me.
I can love someone and still decide that what I’m receiving isn’t enough.
I can love another and let them go with ease.
the way reading this made me feel... just wow. birds of a feather, morgan 🥹🫶🏻✨