The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives S2 E2- I'm fucking disturbed
My perspective on the dinner convo as a trauma informed therapist
TW: Conversations surrounding grooming and sexual assault
I loved the first season of Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. I'm not usually a reality TV girlie but this show felt different for me.
One of my favorite people on the show is Taylor because of her radical authenticity and truth telling.
At the end of the day this is reality TV and I don’t know these women. We can only react to what is being shown to us.
I just finished S2 E2 and I feel sick from the dinner scene with Taylor and Dakota.
This is where I’ll give you another trigger warning before you continue reading.
This entire part of the episode made me feel deeply uncomfortable. I immediately had to turn to writing about it because I didn’t know where to process the disgust I felt watching. This show can be hard to watch sometimes with the religious context and what comes with that…but this was a scene unlike the rest for me.
At baseline it’s incredibly invasive to watch her family openly shame her sexuality. If this was aired on TV then I can only imagine what these people are saying when the cameras are off.
I was unsettled by basically everyone, but specifically the comments made from her father. This guy is dad to her but is not biologically related to Taylor.
The first red alarm went off for me when Taylor started casually discussing her upcoming Halloween costume. She stated she’s going to be Gretchen Wieners from Mean Girls. What an iconic costume choice for a millennial woman who definitely resembles Gretchen appearance wise.
Her mom responds something normal by saying, “Oh from mean girls?”
Taylor’s dad responds with, “Are you a slutty Gretchen or?”
My body started to freeze when I heard his language. I recognized this behavior immediately.
Her father was sexualizing her.
Taylor seems annoyed and rightfully so.
She responds, “I’m a cat so I’m going to be pretty covered. So pretty boring.”
Taylor’s mother redirects the conversation with: “Who’s all going to the party?”
The dad walks out of the room.
I recognized this behavior because I grew up with a step father who I now realized sexualized me from childhood. Was I triggered from this scene? Absolutely.
However, my therapist always likes to say that trauma informs us. I will always listen to people who have unfortunately been around dark energies. Once you experience a predator….you can spot a predator quickly.
I will sniff out a dangerous man within minutes of meeting them.
As a society we often think predator behavior is about a physical act that seemingly comes out of nowhere. This is a dangerous misconception.
People will tell you their values and how they see the world if we listen to their language. It’s clear the dad views women, even his daughters, through a sexualized lens.
My immediate discomfort is confirmed when the family sits down for dinner.
The “dinner scene”:
Immediately Taylor and Dakota’s sex life and relationship is discussed among the entire family. Instead of holding Dakota accountable for lying to his partner, Taylor. Taylor is instead publicly humiliated by every man in her family.
Taylor’s brother tells her she should sacrifice more for Dakota.
Her mother centers herself and how the relationship dynamic “is just so exhausting.”
If you’ve seen the previous season then you know Taylor’s mother ridicules her a lot. This scene is light work for Taylor’s mom. She looks quite different this season…..but that behavior is exactly the same. Maybe she should have invested that money into therapy versus plastic surgery.
I digress.
She doesn’t protect her daughter from abusive men. She Instead encourages her daughter to keep trying. It’s clear Taylor’s mother was also taught to accept abuse from men.
Dakota begins crying and using his tears as leverage.
Taylor’s parents immediately soften to Dakota’s whimpers. Yet escalate in aggression when Taylor starts sobbing.
The gender based violence continues…
Taylor’s brother states that Dakota’s tears “show he’s a good human.”
This family needs to take a deep dive into learning emotional manipulation among many other topics.
The misogyny in this scene is palpable and it continues to become more violent.
Taylor’s family continues to participate in a public shaming and the weird as fuck dad continues.
He starts screaming at her and pointing his finger in her face.
The way I wanted to jump through the screen and personally beat his fucking ass.
Yes, a trauma informed therapist is using the words “beat his fucking ass.”
Her dad berates her about having sex early on in the connection with Dakota. Again…fucking scary he gives a fuck about this.
His next line almost made me physically ill…
“…and then you’re sitting there telling me that he came over and had sex with you. What does that say about you?”
Taylor continues self deprecating and slut shaming herself in between her sobs. Her body language clearly communicates she’s emotionally hurting yet everyone continues.
Treating her as if she’s nothing while shaming her for having boundaries with someone who just disrespected her.
“That’s what I’m saying….I was trash,” Taylor says.
It’s a brutal scene and I wish I would’ve fast forwarded through it….but instead I’m processing it on my blog.
I can’t imagine how her family would’ve treated her if she reported sexual violence. Unfortunately we know what type of rape culture rhetoric they would respond with.
This belittling behavior is exactly why women don’t come forward to report violence of any kind. Especially women who are involved in high control religion.
Her own family isn’t even listening to her.
The only aspect I did appreciate was Taylor’s sister affirming her. She stated that she agrees with the separation and asked Taylor to give herself some grace.
My whole body did a sigh of relief when her sister finally spoke up.
If only everyone would’ve responded in that way.
Instead Taylor was harassed and talked down to while the concern was for the man.
Something so many of us are used to witnessing.
As someone who grew up in a christian church…this behavior isn’t surprising.
Men are allowed to abuse, lie, and torment women while women are asked to give them more grace.
I left this episode needing to do extra self care and process my feelings here.
Even though it was sickening to watch this scene for many reasons. I also am glad the show decided to air this.
This is unfortunately what happens regularly in high control, patriarchal religion.
Women are mocked.
Women aren’t heard.
Women are abused.
Women are sexualized.
Girls are sexualized.
While men get to sit there and continue to enact violence through spiritual, physical, and emotional abuse.
The episode ended with the mother conducting a prayer for the entire family. Well…except for the “father” who left the table in a rage.
How fitting….
There was a real opportunity to show up for your daughter who’s hurting. Instead you pray about it while holding none of the toxicity accountable.
I left the episode feeling unsettled and reminded of my own experience being silenced by abusive “christian” men.
Instead of doing something about it….they pray about.
Disgusting.
I’m rooting for Taylor.
I hope I’m able to see her fight for herself before this season ends.