It's not clocking to you that I'm autistic
Possibly...
Yesterday I was officially tested for the tizzy tism. This is a moment I’ve been waiting for since this past winter when I booked the appointment.
I don’t have a diagnosis yet since there are a few other steps that need to occur. However, I’d love to share with you the process of my 1.5 hr appointment yesterday.
Overall I feel mostly indifferent about the experience but I do have thoughts…
I’m pretty sure they intentionally overwhelmed me before the appointment started.
Let me set the scene….
I arrive to the appointment a wee bit nervous because it’s an experience I’ve never had before. Of course I looked the building up on Google maps and read about autism evaluations thoroughly before arriving.
I find the building with ease and begin filling out the remainder of the paperwork. The psychologist is 5 minutes late which is already pissing me off because no one was telling me “they’ll be right with you.”
My anxiety started to increase because why is no one communicating with me?!
I don’t know the next step and I’m uncomfortable. I always like knowing the next step.
“What if they forgot about my appointment?”
Just when I’m in the height of catastrophizing ….the psychologist walks out and hands me additional assessments.
I complete those and then go into her office.
She explains we’re going to start with a few “childlike” activities and then the remainder of the session will be interview style.
Dr. A pulls a table in front of me for the activities and then whips out my archenemy: puzzles.
The next few activities filled me with mild embarrassment but I am a performer if nothing else. The other childlike activities included :
Looking at a kids map of the U.S. and noting “what I find interesting”
Demonstrating through role play how I would teach someone to change a lightbulb
The next part about took me out y’all.
I had to narrate a kids picture book about frogs that had no words….
I quite literally had to play make believe in front of a psychologist….
I didn’t know if this was part of the assessment or she just had a humiliation kink.
The activities were finally over and I was able to get comfortable on the couch. Thank the fucking lord above.
Dr. A asked about my:
Social life
Dating life
Interests
Family dynamics
Mental health history
Current therapy focus
Work history
She also asked questions like :
“Do you repeat words or phrases?”
I didn’t know how to tell her I’ve been stimming out to Justin Bieber’s new viral TikTok. If you know…you know. I can’t stop telling my cats, “It’s not clocking to you that I’m standing on business!!!” Hahahahah
I tried explaining the reasonings why I hypothesize I’m autistic to the best of my ability. I felt nervous when she’d ask questions I didn’t relate to or didn’t quite understand.
“Are you obsessed with anything?”
I knew this was a question about special interests and idk if I have those. Again…my nose is too close to the glass.
My fear was that I was being misunderstood for why I felt so different in this world.
I was scared she wasn’t checking her biases because I’m also a therapist and well adjusted in life. My symptoms are less about external observations and more about how I’ve always felt internally.
I did my best, I guess.
I kept battling a fear in my mind that the results would eventually come back and I wouldn’t be diagnosed with autism.
I know that’s an odd and privileged statement to say.
I hear it. Trust me.
Especially in this fascist climate with the real scrutiny autistic people are facing. Especially autistic children who are the most vulnerable.
The interview concluded and she asked if I had “anything else I wanted her to know.”
I racked my brain for any final experience that I could share with her to convey how hard life feels for me.
“I think I said everything.”
She took me to another room and I finished more assessments for anxiety, depression, and executive functioning. I scored low on both the GAD-7 and PHQ-9.
“Oh you scored fairly low for anxiety and depression. Do you use these with your clients?”
“Yeah, I do and it’s because I’m doing better….”
She seemed to be surprised because I told her I have a PTSD diagnosis. I held off on educating her on the fact I didn’t need to qualify for other disorders to have PTSD.
“Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?”
I rolled my eyes internally because I indicated no recent suicidal ideation on my assessment. I knew I scored mild for both depression and anxiety.
“Yes.”
“Does your therapist know?”
“Yep. She knows I have a history of suicidal ideation with no intent or plan.”
I knew she was covering her bases for liability purposes. I would understand this line of questioning if I indicated I was actively suicidal. ANY WAY…
Tbh there’s a lot of critiques I have about the provider I went to. I even did research on the practice and they had 5 stars. We all have preferences I guess.
Dr. A didn’t do anything unethical or offensive but approached conversation in a way I necessarily wouldn’t have.
Okay…I’m a natural hater so I’ll give a few examples :
When she asked if I was dating anyone I said no. She proceeded to tell me how horrible she hears the dating apps are. I never mentioned dating apps and told her I wasn’t actively dating. She replied with, “Well I’m just sooooo old so I don’t understand that stuff AT ALL.” She wasn’t old. She was just married. It felt like the weird sentiment that married people do to single people. Like girl…I never said being single is horrible or I’m struggling with it?? Calm down and don’t put what you hear about Hinge onto my life.
She kept saying how badly she needed a vacation. I get it but after the 3rd time I can’t help but feel you aren’t being present with me. She sounded burnt out and that sounds like a personal problem. Maybe she should discuss with her partner?! I had the sneaky feeling that she probably didn’t treat all clients exactly like this. It felt like there was a sense of comfort with me because I’m a therapist. She made several remarks of “you know how it is.” I truly hate when providers overly reference I’m a therapist because I don’t want to be the expert when I’m asking for help. My current therapist does a great job at not treating me like a therapist.
When I shared aspects of my auditory processing issues she acted SHOCKED. I told her “I hear everything at the same level” and she looked at me as if I had 3 eyes. That’s a pretty common statement for this line of work I feel?!!
Okay that’s enough haterade for right now.
I found comfort in the fact my older sister has an interview with her as well. I had to pick one person in my life Dr. A could interview. I picked my older sister because she knows me well annnnd she’s a nurse practitioner. She’ll know how to throw some clinical language in there to convey the experience that is me.
I left the appointment feeling confused yet neutral. An overall “eh” feeling.
She let me know several times I probably won’t hear from her until early July.
I feel proud of myself for seeking answers and support.
If you want to know more about why I sought out this assessment in the first place read:
I'm more neurodivergent than I thought
“Do you think I have the ‘tism? Be honest with me.” I asked my childhood best friend over one of our weekly phone calls.
I also want to recognize that this was completely free for me because I have Medicaid. I feel really thankful for that part.
If you are seeking answers about your health…I hope you find them.
I hope you take one step in a direction that feels accessible for you right now.
I hope you align with practitioners who are able to validate and support you.
I’ll keep you posted on this journey.
Thank you for being here!
I am DEAD thinking about you narrating the children’s book 😂😂
Autism assessments are definitely strange in the moment. Mine was around 5 hours long total and I had to bring my parents. The assessor was lovely but the ADOS is indeed weird and I also got the dreaded flying frog book. My understanding is that those activities are meant to gauge your ability to infer emotions/intentions from expressions/social context. I was completely stumped with them. They ask a lot of questions that might feel invasive or unrelated but they're all structured to gather info.
Reading the report a few weeks after was oddly enjoyable though, I was diagnosed with level 1 ASD, apparently I have a good understanding of marriage but "little to no" comprehension of how friendship works which explains why I call literally anyone who I speak to on a semi regular basis my friend 😭
If you're not diagnosed and feel your assessor misrepresented your symptoms I'd encourage you to look into BAP (the broader autistic phenotype, aka people with some traits of autism but are not impaired by it enough to justify a diagnosis) or get a second opinion. Either way it's never a bad idea to see if some coping tools commonly used by autistic folks, like sensory tools, distress tolerance work, stress reduction, etc, might help